Self doubt is an evil little asshole
Self doubt is an insidious idea that grows inside our minds like a virulent cancer.
It whispers under its breath, telling us we’re stupid and incompetent.
It tells us we’ll never be intelligent enough or good enough to do anything, let alone follow our dreams.
Maybe you think everything is going fine.
Maybe everything is on schedule and floating along peacefully.
Self doubt rears its nasty head like an infected zit.
I recently had a run in with this sneaky little bastard, so I know what I’m talking about.
My run in had to do with time and money.
Now I’m sure none of you listening have ever had a shortage of either time or money…
…Cue heavy sarcasm…
Lately I’ve been seeing some lovely signs of traction where my business is concerned.
I realized I wanted to create one or more online courses, which as a former schoolteacher is a very natural fit for me.
I also found some great free info on how to advertise these courses, so I thought, “Cool! This could be what allows me to leave the day job and really get this business going!”
And then, without warning, self doubt crept out of the shadows like some greasy-haired villain from a horror movie.
I tried to create this video on my trusty smart phone – videos being the basic component of any online course – and my phone cut it off.
Undeterred, I tried again, but it kept happening.
So I did some investigating.
I made sure I had all my other apps closed out.
I made sure there was plenty of available storage.
And I tried again.
This time, though the phone seemed to record my teaching for eleven carefully orchestrated minutes, none of it came out.
None one single second!
All that showed up with this weird white screen showing that I’d recorded 0.00 minutes of a video.
Then, I recorded the same info on my webcam – did I mention that I dressed up and put on makeup on my day off (something I rarely do) for this? Only to discover that my webcam’s camera isn’t nearly as high def as my phone’s camera.
So it came out looking like a blurry mess.
So finally, I realized it wasn’t going to work.
At first, I was like, “I must not be meant to create any videos today because NOTHING is working.”
But what started out as an acknowledgment of my lack of alignment – which I choose to take as communication from God/the Universe guiding me – morphed and mutated into this slimy, gross feeling.
I felt suddenly like maybe I couldn’t do this business after all.
As we know, all feelings come from our thoughts, and what I didn’t realize was that my thought was that I wasn’t actually worthy.
Who the hell did I think I was?
Some creator of a business that didn’t really exist yet?
Some great manifester of huge sums of money I’ve never actually had in my life?
A successful teacher and coach when I have a tiny email list and an even tinier podcast following?
Who the HELL did I think I was???
Evil bastard, like I said.
All the teensy little bitty fears I have surrounding leaving my day job, working for myself, and making lots of money loomed over me.
They created this impenetrable wall of fear and self-loathing and doubt.
I didn’t walk, do yoga or workout at all that day.
I kept having cravings for food I wasn’t physically hungry for.
I walked the next day, but not the one after.
I started to sense a pattern.
I felt off. Wrong, somehow.
I felt emotional, tearful without understanding why.
Let me be super and brutally honest here.
I think much of this crushing negativity came from the pressure I accidentally put on myself.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to God and then meditating.
I like to do this because if you ask questions in an inspired, happy state, you’ll receive lots of wonderful answers.
And I wanted some answers – like many of us do.
So one day I asked God/the Universe, “When do I get to leave the day job?”
And very clearly but softly in
my mind I heard the word, “May.”
I took this to mean that I would get to leave my job sometime during this upcoming month of May 2018.
Now if you don’t believe in messages from God or messages from the Universe, I understand.
But the thing is, I DO.
And I thought it meant two months from now May.
Which is great if it’s true, right?
It means I can quit stressing over all the nonsense at work.
It means I can stop worrying about upcoming bills and mortgage payments because somehow, someway, I’ll have enough money and resources to leave in May.
And this made me feel really good.
It is now March 2018 as I record this, and as each passing day and week went by, I started to get this anxious feeling anytime I thought of the month of May.
I mean, May is right around the corner, isn’t it?
That doesn’t give me very much time to get this show on the road.
So then the whole debacle with the video happened.
And I began to wonder if I could make this thing happen by such a short deadline.
I looked at things around work – and at some dates in August I want to take off time for – and I thought, “If I take my last vacation in August, I won’t be able to take one when I need it later in the year.”
What was I talking about?!?
I was going to be fully self-employed by May, so what was I worrying about August for?
Then my sleep became effected.
I’d wake up and not be able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours.
Since I’ve always needed a good eight or nine hours a night, this affected me in a super negative way.
I yawned all day at work.
And then I went home thinking about my next podcast and my next newsletter and what I was going to do for my next part of my course…
I was wound up tighter than a Slinky.
And finally, it occurred to me that maybe this whole “May” thing was freaking me out a little.
I was putting so much pressure on myself to create that I wasn’t doing it from a positive, happy and aligned place.
Haven’t I been telling you all to wait till you feel good before taking action?
Well, it seems I need to take my own damn advice!
So I listened to a beautiful guided meditation before recording this, and things have become much more clear to me.
It is not up to me to know HOW the Universe brings my dreams to me.
It is not up to me to know WHEN the Universe brings me dreams to me.
All I have to do is feel as good and happy and light as possible.
All I have to do is trust in the divine timing of God/the Universe.
My worrying and freaking out is only creating blocks that will stop my dreams from manifesting.
Whether in May 2018 or ever.
I just need to calm the hell down, relax, and let God do God.
It’s not up to me.
And even though I know that, it’s sometimes hard not to push.
It’s hard not to want do things that force that dream to happen.
But if I force it, that dream probably won’t happen.
And if it does, I won’t enjoy it.
I won’t see it for the miracle it is.
And it is a miracle.
So maybe “May” means “May 2018” and maybe it doesn’t.
But I still feel blessed to receive the message.
So I’m letting all that fear and doubt and anxiety go.
Those emotions are all assholes if you ask me, and I don’t want assholes in my life.
So I am releasing them.
Did any of this resonate with you?
Do you work to “force” things into existence like I did?
Have you ever gotten impatient and just decided to do it yourself, even if everything turns to shit when you do?
I do want to apologize for all the profanity, guys.
I know I don’t usually curse this much, but it felt necessary this time around.
It felt like a lie if I didn’t really express how I felt.
It didn’t feel like I was being authentic with myself.
So if I’ve offended you and you feel the need to unsubscribe, I understand.
But I do rate this podcast as explicit on iTunes for a reason.
And I don’t want to hold back when holding back feels yucky.
So there you go.
What do you all think about self doubt?
Do you agree with me that negative emotions are little assholes?
Let me know in the comments.
Like this podcast? Subscribe here.
Looking for more self-improvement skills? Check out this post from the Personal Growth Channel. Or check out my mentor and coach’s program, the Infinite Soul Project. As a student of this project, I can personally attest to its power. Check it out!